Satisfied Mind
by Marco NA
Summary: When Edward realizes Bella is dead, he sets off for Italy to have the Volturi kill him. Before he leaves Brazil, he sits down to write one last time, his thoughts and wishes to his family. This is his letter.


Preface:

Everyone seems to have a playlist, a soundtrack of sorts, that inspires their creative juices. This story has but one song although I'm sure there are others out there have have influenced me over the years. "Satisfied Mind" by Hal Ketchum.

About a year and a half after my beloved brother passed away from a long illness, I was at an outdoor concert when I heard Hal Ketchum sing "Satisfied Mind" for the first time, live. It hit me like a ton of bricks. You know there are triggers that take you back to the pain and grief and unleash the emotions, well this song had me absolutely bawling in the middle of a concert venue with bewildered bystanders backing away. It's a song about trying to cope with life when the love you've known no longer survives, what you can take with you and share with others so their journey is not as painful. It was written by the same songwriter who wrote Garth Brooks mega hit "The Dance" and for my money it is a stronger song although never received any airplay. I loved it so much that I purchased Hal Ketchum's Greatest Hits CD just because it was the only place where the song was available (obviously pre ITunes days) even though I already owned most of his other music. If you like the story I heartily recommend downloading this song from ITunes (which by the way has it listed as Satisfied Man). Well worth the 99 cents!

This is my first venture into the fanfiction world and would truly appreciate your reviews and input. Have other stories milling around in my brain and inspiration is, for me, a shared event. Please be frank and honest. Love all the feedback, no matter how it is expressed.

As always, Stephenie Meyer, the goddess of inspired thinking created and owns these wonderful characters. Thanks to her for sharing both perspectives as it makes it so fun to run both sides of the fence.

So here it is: Satisfied Mind

I couldn't stop the trembling. My mind was rampaging with so many emotions that my senses were paralyzed but somehow my body was convulsing with involuntary motions. "She's dead." I remember hearing those words but can't process the facts. I can hear Rosalie yelling my name over thousands of miles of cell phone tower transmissions. How is that possible? Is it my worst fear, my desperate imagination or modern technology? I dial the number to Bella's home phone trying to reach her father. A male voice answers but it's not Charlie saying "Swan residence" I asked to speak to Chief Swan but the surly voice only said that he wasn't there. When I pressed for more information all I got was "He's at the funeral." As my focus starts becoming clearer and the shaking starts to slow, the phone disintegrates in my hand as I squeeze my palms together.

She's dead. She promised not to hurt herself, I distinctly remember extracting that oath from her before I left. But, so it seems, by her own actions and design, she didn't keep it. Why Bella, why? Why now did the particulars matter, when I was thousands of miles away and unable to protect or stop her from doing such a thing? They didn't. The only thing that did matter was to make sure my existence ended as quickly as possible. The Volturi would be my surest bet for a swift and hopefully painful demise. I needed to get to Italy as soon as possible.

I ran from the park, a collection of rain forrest vegetation that the government had assembled for tourists to show them what was once the predominant ecosystem of this country. It was a absurd joke. Though it was dark I still ran like no one was watching, although humans were out and about my pace was undetectable. Even if they could possibly see me, no one would be able to catch me and if they tried I would insure they wouldn't survive. Nothing was going to thwart my plan.

I made it back into the heart of the city in a matter of minutes and to the hotel where my belongings were stored while I was trying to hunt down Victoria. Stopping at the concierge's desk, I asked them to book me the earliest possible flight to Rome and to phone up the particulars when the arrangements were made. Making my way to my room I knew I had two others things to accomplish before leaving Brazil. First, I needed to dispose of the evidence that I was here. All I needed was my travel documents, money and the clothes I was going to travel in. What else does one take to their execution? Mementoes? Over a hundred of years of existing on this plant and I wanted nothing to remind me of that existence except the memories of the past 6 months. Everything else needed to be disposed of, securely. Secondly, I needed to write a letter to my family and get it to them in time so that my last wish could possibly be granted.

I showered the dirt and vegetation off me and changed after the concierge called with my flight itinerary, a non stop leaving out at 6 a.m. with a flying time of 11 hours. It was about midnight so I had about 17 hours before I hit Italian soil. Seventeen hours of life, if you could call it that, for life as I knew it was useless. I called down and asked the front desk to send up a bellman to handle my bags. When the young man arrived I explained in Portuguese what I needed him to do. After waving a $10,000 reais bill at him, knowing that it was probably more then he would make in a year, I knew he would take the proper action. Placing the bags in the hallway he promised to return before I was to leave for the airport with proof that the task had been completed. I then turned to the desk in the room, pulled out several sheets of paper, a pen and a desire to impart my final thoughts to my family. I sat and started to write, unburdening myself knowing the guilt was never going to go away no matter how I tried to manipulate and massage the situation.

To My Family,

I know Alice has informed you of my plans. Please honor my intent and do nothing to stop me. Let me explain to each of you what I need you to understand.

Dearest Esme,

I start with asking your forgiveness, knowing that you, more then anyone else, understands how this type of action is necessary when hope is no longer an option. Then I ask for your strength because you are the rock on which our family has its foundation. The hurt will last for what seems to be an eternity, but I know that you will hold no malice in your heart for my memory and, in time, will think of me and smile. My birth mother loved me as much as you have Esme. When she herself was dying of influenza she made Carlisle promise to not let me suffer the same fate. As much as I hate what I am, I am thankful for it in that it gave Carlisle the courage to change you, to give us the stabilizing loving force we needed to hold us together. I am thankful too that your love will stay as constant and nurturing without my presence because it is not in you to let those around you suffer when it is within your capacity to hold them up. Please, please watch over Charlie Swan. Bella was his only child. He will be devastated and will be justified in blaming me for her death. Although it was my intent that Bella's life be safer without my presence in it, I hope you will be able to convince him that she meant everything to me and help him come to some degree of understanding.

Jasper,

I need you, more then ever before, to exert your special gift over the family now. Calm them and show them the reason that my life must take this turn. Your understanding, the way you feel for Alice, will empower you to comprehend why I must do this, why I must end my existence. Without Bella there is no light, even in the brightest sun, I now see only true black. After living so long without her influence in my life the thought of continuing that life without her is intolerable. I am not brave or gallant like you, my brother, because this is the cowards way out but it will serve to give me what I deserve, a painful demise at the hands of the Volturi. I will beg them to end my life at first but if I need to incite them to condemning me for treason, I willingly take that step. Incineration is what I deserve, torture on the way to the end would at least be justified. The family must be made to understand why this scenario must be played out so please use your empathetic reasoning to soothe their reactions and lessen the pain. Make them understand this is what I truly want and that there is no other possible option. Thank you for doing this for me.

Dear Rosalie,

I am sorry that I could never be what you needed me to be, yet another admirer of yours. Please know that over the years I did learn to appreciate your strength and tenacity so, in fact, in the end I did come to hold you in high esteem. Take care of the Bear. He will need all the diversions that your feminine wiles can conjure up to distract him from the fun of the hunt that we use to share. And the Vanquish is yours. Enjoy it my dear sister.

To my Brother Emmett,

Your exuberance and sheer joy of life is something I have admired and genuinely envied over the years and now, more then ever, I'm jealous that it took so long for me to finally experience it with Bella. Now that she is gone the reasons for my own existences are like a black hole I am being sucked into, a void I can't climb out of. I am sorry that I leave you without a partner in the hunt but, let's be frank, I was mostly a witness to your carnage rather then a participant in bringing down whatever it was you set your sights on. Oh yes, about always winning at chess. I cheated.

I know the security of the family is in good hands with you and Jasper so I have no qualms about leaving, you all will be safe for decades to come. Live well and prosper Emmett. You surely deserve it.

Dearest Alice,

To my matching spirit, my twin sister born to different parents and a thousand miles apart, still I will think of you as my conscience, my guiding force. Thank you for getting me through the endless years of emptiness with your energy and strength of will to forecast that happiness was forthcoming. Although my time with Bella was miniscule in comparison to the time I spent with all of you I believe that she finally completed my life's circle, brought it to fruition, that her love finally gave me life. Just as you knew you were to be with Jasper before you had even met him, I know that without Bella existing I can no longer subsist in perpetual emptiness. It is therefore inherent that I join her in death. It is a choice I make freely and happily go towards knowing that I have had an amazing journey capped with finally realizing love with this extraordinary girl.

Alice, do not regret or blame yourself for not catching on to Bella's actions in time to stop her or for not being able to warn me about what she was up to. Your amazing talents were never meant to be a map to actions of the head but rather an insight to desires of the heart. My heart, which stopped beating in 1918 and was regenerated in the past few months must now finally cease to make up reasons to continue beating. That reason now lies cold somewhere under the ground or cremated to ash and I know that I must exist in the same state as soon as possible. Weep not for my loss but for Bella. She had so much to experience and enjoy, things to look forward to, like a life, and now it will never happen. Your "great friend" lives no more. That is what should be mourned, not the loss of your moody, selfish brother who could barely put one foot in front of the other without your help and guidance. I implore you to revel in the relationship you share with Jasper instead of mourning me, realizing that fate in all of her fickleness, sometimes gets things right.

Carlisle,

I can not begin to convey how sorry I am that I have been such a disappointment through the years to the standard I should have lived up to. If I had had even an ounce of the compassion and understanding you showed to our family and the humans you dealt with day to day I could have made my existence so much more viable. I feel my companionship was not enough to warrant the lessons you so generously bestowed on me. Even with your unending encouragement and support I never felt I deserved to stand with you but rather in your shadow never able to attain the level of character you were blessed with. I thought when I met Bella that, at last, I could stop thinking of myself and begin to concentrate on caring for another creature. What a farce! What a disaster those plans became. It is so ironic that the some of the last time I spent with Bella was watching "Romeo & Juliet" and how in the fight scene where Romeo is trying to protect his friend in a fight that he inadvertently allows the fatal blow to be struck. How is it that in trying to protect Bella from the inherent danger of being in a relationship with me, she dies because I am not there to protect her from herself. Though you will continue to argue otherwise I know the answer is because my soul is lost. Therefore, I must seek an end to my life as I know it. I move toward this end with the knowledge that I finally have the strength of character to admit my responsibility and willingness to suffer the consequences. My love has passed on and I want to join her, no longer willing to exist without her by my side. I am not afraid of death or of the pain I may encounter, only of the thought it will not come soon enough.

I have but one request of you Carlisle. Ask the Volturi for my ashes after I have been incinerated and place them with Bella's remains. Please complete this final task with peace in your heart knowing that the love you taught me finally surfaced through what I shared with her and in death we share the same space.

My Love To You All,

Edward

I checked the clock on the wall and called down to the concierge's desk to have the bellman who handled to bags to return to my room. Five minutes later the man was ringing the bell eager to show me the photos on his cell phone of him throwing my luggage into the hotel's incinerator. How appropriate. Hopefully the Volturi would be doing the same to me in a matter of hours. I thanked the bellman and handed him an envelope with instructions that the contents were to be faxed to the phone number written on the envelope at noon. No earlier, no later. Those instructions and another generous tip insured my letter would arrive in time for Carlisle to try and contact the Volturi but not in time to save my sorry ass from their likely actions.

It was 4:30 a.m. Time to leave the hotel, run to the airport, board my flight and finally realize the peace of mind I'd been seeking since I learned Bella Swan was dead.

Peace of mind? No. I wouldn't be satisfied with anything but death. I wanted a satisfied mind.


End file.
